Shades of Gray

It’s not black or white, but

it’s certainly not shades of

gray.

Because these operate on one dimension

which is not to say that there is

no depth to the colors, but that

words like ‘murky’ are inadequate

because murky has no shape or texture–

texture, temperature: properties of

sentience.

Depth is not an empty space in your emotion/being

An artist, singer, dancer, poet

would love to fall

fall as if it were effortless, an

unimpeded descent

into

you.

But I know you

r more shallow depths

at least

and I felt the crumbs of static

mouse-bite-sized

nuboso

cotton wisp-er, clinging to my

hand

damp, dissipating

gray

deep

difficult to see

dark, tepid*.

As I fall,

my light reveals

3 inches from my body

my next encounter*

with sentience.

My next fall.

But 3 inches is not enough to

think, plan, prepare

so I sink and

I fall and

I feel all over again.

Am I Optional?

sometimes i look at everything-

it’s a weird concept, i know.

“why don’t you see everything all the time”

well it’s just so much work

but that’s another story.

 

so sometimes i look at everything and i get real sad because i realise that 

“what outfit should i wear today”,

“will you help me hang this up?”,

and

“hey do you want to go get lunch?”

all don’t include me.

i’m kinda an after thought, like the tittle on an i, or the tattle on a t

dot me but don’t cross me.

“this girl’s a mystery!” they scream

i would put this in parentheses, the way i feel, like an afterthought, but

that would be giving to much credit to the designers.

i am optional.

 

this would all be fine, except the worst part is that i am optional to everyone

including myself

and i need to need someone

i need to

because if i didn’t i’d feel nothing

this pinch on my cheek would feel like nothing

my burning finger would feel like nothing 

this necklace would feel like nothing

my mothers death would feel like nothing

so you see i need to need someone

but i’m optional

i don’t need myself.

so i kinda just fiddle around until i get it right.

i’ll get it right eventually.

yeah