in the hospital, it was as if i was suddenly suspended.

the motion around me did not stop, but i did.

i did not get a sense of being left out of the picture-

rather, for the first time, the picture was me.

i was 12 years old when i first remember thinking to myself,

“i wish i had a bigger butt”.

i believe that for some reason, i have a very close connection with the universe.

i know that when i ask,

be it within reason,

i shall receive.

as i grew, my body grew.

my body grew, and i did not like it.

“I’ve changed my mind,” i told the universe.

but the universe did not listen.

i found a few diet books.

i found a few recipes.

i found a new exercise.

but i did not find my old body.

on the inside, i was a child

but on the outside i was a woman

the dissonance was fraying my edges.

i felt as if i were standing in an old tv screen during an electric storm.

i picked away at my food.

i picked away at my body.

i grabbed a toothbrush and prostrated before a toilet

i bent at the knees and buckled at the spine.

“out, out damned spot!”

—————————————

when i arrived in the hospital, i felt like a child.

i was so happy.

i wanted to be a child.

i wanted to be happy.

i thought they would help me be a better child

but instead they conquered me.

they made me more woman than i ever have been.

and i cried for months.

my old body was a young body.

but my new body is an old body.

i just want my image to be a reflection of myself

i want to be the child i am.

so if alcohol kills the liver

and smoke kills the lungs,

then where does my childhood strike?

why does everyone else get to self destruct but me?

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[i am ashamed of myself]

i am scared to share my thoughts

my thoughts are s c a t t e r e d

They do not exist in transit.

Most seem to have thoughts in chains

Long, unbroken streams of consciousness

Every link logical and fluid

A liquid beauty that ties down, captures, restrains.

my thoughts feel like ELECTRONS

pop! into my frontal lobe

[i am a starting thought]

pop! into my temporal memories

[i am a second thought]

pop! out of my mouth

[i am the unrelated response]

There is no chain.

They appear at will, with no in between steps.

pop!

pop!

A raven is like a writing desk!

pop!

pop!

I am scared to say what I think!

[you make me feel ashamed of myself]